Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?
by Matt Miller on Nov 2, 2011 6:50 PM EDT
in Boxing Commentary & Opinion
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FLOYD MAYWEATHER Jr: The chicken crossed the road because he's afraid to fight me. He's nothing anyways, crossing roads I crossed already, cleaning up my sloppy seconds. I'm not saying he's on performance enhancing grain, but someone please explain to me how he got to be such a big chicken so fast. Used to be a drumstick, now he's a Kentucky Fried combo platter. He's nothing, anyways.
OSCAR DE LA HOYA: This chicken crossed the road because he is a great young Mexican fighter. There is nothing but upside for this guy. He's got sharp claws, an underestimated beak, but most of all, the kid is all pluck. The chicken has been criticized for not crossing the road faster, not crossing tougher roads than this, but this road has been around a long time. The road is a veteran, and has plenty of bumps in store for the chicken. So I think all of us watching the chicken cross the road are in for an incredible night.
FREDDIE ROACH: The chicken crossed the road because he wasn't willing to wait. You know I like to keep my chickens busy. A busy chicken is a good chicken. So sometimes you take these kind of roads. They may not be the roads every fan wants, but the road has broken down many good chickens in the past. My chicken just happens to be the best chicken in the world.
LARRY MERCHANT: I think that is the question on everyone's mind--why did the chicken cross the road? In this day and age, when so many chickens have quit crossing roads, or only cross the easiest road, why did the chicken cross the road? It's because this chicken isn't like a certain opponent who we've all recently seen. To say that that other chicken--and you know who I mean--was all gristle is an insult to fatty meat. No, the chicken we have here today is like the chickens of yore. The days when you cook em on a spit and spit the claws out when you're through.
PAULIE MALIGNAGGI: The chicken crossed the road because that's the kind of chicken he is. From the streets, like me. He's old school chicken. He's not a big scratcher, he's not gonna wow you with his drumstick. He's a chicken's chicken, fast, good fundamentals. He crosses this road, it establishes him as a major star. Then he can come to my home town, to New York, and get a peck at the big apple.
JAMES TONEY: Don't come up here to me and try to give me no bad-ass questions. Why did the chicken cross the mother-fucking road? Why? Why. Bottom line, tough ass chicken, bottom line, James Toney. Bottom line? bottom dollar. Who's next? Wam. Line em up. Shoot em. Whose next? Tell me!
TEDDY ATLAS: The chicken crossing the road reminds me of Atlantic City. I mean here we are, in the Las Vegas of the East, and the chicken is crossing the road. The chicken is walking the long roulette wheel of life. The chicken knows he has a good hand, but he's crossing the road anyway. But here's the thing. If the chicken doesn't count his cards right, the chicken could be on the losing end of this round. He might have to fold on some roads. He might have to up his ante, but if this chicken is as good of a gambler as he seemed like last time he crossed a road, we could be seeing the next Stu Ungar or Phil Ivey.
HAROLD LEDERMAN: You know Jim, I gotta tell ya. I've seen a lot of slick roads, but this road is one slippery customer. He may not be hurting the chicken, but he is getting away from him. I have the road winning every round. The chicken just can't seem to sink his claws in, scratching around, no real plan, he just can't seem to cross that road. I have it road, 60, chicken, 54, and if the chicken doesn't have a plan B, it's going to be a long road. Jim!
GLEN JOHNSON: I have been crossing roads a long time, and I have been waiting a long time, but now we are talking about this chicken crossing the road. I don't know. These kinds of things are why so many people hate roads. Where is the justice? I have paid my dues, and all I ask for is an honest chicken. A man has got to feed his family.
MANNY PACQUIAO: Well, I think the chicken was a tough opponent. I hit him a lot of times in the beak. He was tough, and I let him cross the road, because I knew he would not taste very good. I would like to fight the other chicken, but right now it is not happening. I hope it will happen, because it would be a good fight for us and for the world. I would like to thank all of the chickens for crossing the roads.
Anyone want to add their own below?
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What is it with this shit
They been all over my FB??
Ricky Hatton -
I aint lettin no tasty chiken cross the road
I wrote all of these myself
Boxing writer: "Iran, what are you going to do when you retire?"
Iran Barkley: "Rob your house"
Yeah
But the chiken crossed the road stuff. Theres been an American president one…. Soccer player…. Why lol
by Sweet science on Nov 2, 2011 7:22 PM EDT up reply actions
Yeah, I did get the idea from FB. I saw the Presidential candidates one.
Boxing writer: "Iran, what are you going to do when you retire?"
Iran Barkley: "Rob your house"
Your Floyd one is great
Now he’s a full KFC full platter!!!
by Sweet science on Nov 2, 2011 7:29 PM EDT up reply actions
Juan Manuel Marquez: I have crossed the road twice and everyone says I didn’t.This time I will cross it so clearly I’m going to plant my claws and my beak on the other side, and’ll piss and scribble my name with it on the sidewalk so everyone can see it to remove any doubts that I crossed the damn road. This time the road will be mine.
David Haye: I tried to cross the road, I really did. I had the perfect plan, the perfect mind set, the stars had aligned, the lovely hen at the barn had wished me luck, I was going to be king rooster. All I had to do was cross the road, retire and live like a king. But lady luck left me, I broke one talon and my plan went to hell, and with that big bad wolf blocking the way, no way in hell I was crossing that road, I’m not suicidal. But I did break my talon, here take a look at it.
Bernard Hopkins: Everyone said I was too old to be crossing roads, that it would be better if stayed out of these dangerous roads and let younger chics go at it. That at this age all I was good for was getting primed to become good chicken soup. But I showed them that this old chicken can still cross some roads, even on broken wings.
by leo_solis on Nov 2, 2011 7:15 PM EDT reply actions 3 recs
nice
Boxing writer: "Iran, what are you going to do when you retire?"
Iran Barkley: "Rob your house"
Al Haymon: There was no crossing.
Nobody will read this and care and why should they?
Hahaha!! Excellent :)
At my signal, unleash hell.
by Maximus Decimus Meridius on Nov 2, 2011 8:42 PM EDT up reply actions
Lederman, Johnson, and Pacquiao are priceless. Great job
I crossed the road because Johnson and the Klitschkos were on the other side, and also because I remember when boxers fought for a living and blahblahblah.
Antonio Margarito: Who, me? I never crossed that road, and if I did, it was because my head chicken did it when I wasn’t watching where I was going. Honest.
"Occasionally, there is a boxing match that, in its demonstration of skill, courage, intelligence, hope, seems to redeem the sport - almost. Perhaps boxing has always been a sport in crisis, a sport of crisis."
by Oli Goldstein on Nov 2, 2011 7:44 PM EDT via mobile reply actions
Great stuff, Miller
But shit! I came here thinking I’d do Atlas, but you di him too. Arrrrrrrgggh!
CROSS THE BUMPY ROAD OF DESTINY, CHICKEN!
Bad Left Hook
"My God, kids today think that the laces are for tying up the gloves."
-- Fritzie Zivic
MIKE TYSON: I could sell out the Road choking my chicken!
Bad Left Hook
"My God, kids today think that the laces are for tying up the gloves."
-- Fritzie Zivic
Evander – This Chicken gunna keep on crossing these roads no matter fucking what. Im gunna do it untill…. Splat, Car hit Chicken
by Sweet science on Nov 2, 2011 8:06 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
TEX COBB: If you screw up in the chicken coop, it’s scrambled eggs. If you screw up on the road, it’s your ass, darlin’!
Bad Left Hook
"My God, kids today think that the laces are for tying up the gloves."
-- Fritzie Zivic
by jrok on Nov 2, 2011 8:10 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
ARCHIE SOLIS: I had just crossed the road when I see this big red feathered crazy chicken coming at me. And he says “Are you messing with my hen? The mother of my chic?” And all I could see was a one-two wing attack coming at me, just like that, bang bang, and just like that I was down with my beak broken. And to make matters worse, he still says “Listen to me chicken, If you cross the road again, I’ll cut your head off and send the rest of you to KFC”. I don’t know if I’ll ever cross any roads again.
CANELO: I did not cross the road, it was Big Bird who did it.
CHAVEZ JR: I’m supposed to cross this road that my dad crossed some time ago, but to cross it I have to work hard, and well, that is just too much work. Can you imagine having to make weight? A chicken can starve to death that way, besides, why cross the road when most people move the side walk towards me when they hear my name.
by leo_solis on Nov 2, 2011 8:23 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Wow. That Solis one is amazing :)
At my signal, unleash hell.
by Maximus Decimus Meridius on Nov 2, 2011 8:46 PM EDT up reply actions
In fact, scrub that, all three are excellent :D
At my signal, unleash hell.
by Maximus Decimus Meridius on Nov 2, 2011 8:47 PM EDT up reply actions
Jim Lampley: BANG! You want to cross this road! BANG try and stop that chicken! BANG four-peck, five-peck, six-peck combination! You want to peck back? BANG this is the chicken who has dominated boxing for the past three years! Bang! Bang!
by Sammlung on Nov 2, 2011 8:44 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Genuinely laughed out loud :D
At my signal, unleash hell.
by Maximus Decimus Meridius on Nov 2, 2011 8:47 PM EDT up reply actions
BOB ARUM: Look, the thing you have to understand about roads is, they aren’t like they used to be in the 80’s back when I was promoting roads like Interstate-90, U.S. Highway 2 and the Schuylkill expressway. The way roads bend these days are simply inexcusable. Frankly, I’m amazed that anyone even brings up the road, when you have such a monumental chicken standing right here! Why should the chicken even have to cross that road to begin with? When are people going to understand that it’s the chickens who are the draw, not the road! And to tell you the truth, I’m surprised the chicken can even cross the sidewalk with all these distractions about cars and road signs and traffic lights and potholes. The only reason anyone even talks about the road is because of the chickens who have tried to cross it. But ask anyone who knows about road-crossing and they’ll tell you that most of those chickens were too old and too small to make it even halfway across the first lane! Yesterday I was laying eggs, but today I’m telling the roost!
Bad Left Hook
"My God, kids today think that the laces are for tying up the gloves."
-- Fritzie Zivic
by jrok on Nov 2, 2011 8:48 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
A particularly good one.
Frankly, I’m amazed that anyone even brings up the road, when you have such a monumental chicken standing right here!
That line is so spot-on in terms of his cadences.
Boxing writer: "Iran, what are you going to do when you retire?"
Iran Barkley: "Rob your house"
Emanuel Steward: This crossing is going exactly the way I thought that it would.
Nobody will read this and care and why should they?
by Eoin_not_ian on Nov 2, 2011 8:58 PM EDT reply actions 2 recs
haha rec'd
Bad Left Hook
"My God, kids today think that the laces are for tying up the gloves."
-- Fritzie Zivic
JOE CORTEZ: I never let the chicken and the road get too rough with each other, if they get too close I break them up. I always tell them I’m fair but firm, always with my eye on the ball making sure the chicken doesn’t do anything illegal to cross the road, or the road doesn’t trample on the chicken, sometimes the road will come and say, “you know ref, you have to watch out for that chicken, he likes to use his wing elbows”. But I assure them, I’m always fair but firm, I’m always watching… WHAT DO YOU SAY? THE CHICKEN ALREADY CROSSED THE ROAD? ARE YOU SURE? Of course it did, I’m just kidding, I’m always watching.
MIKE TYSON: I was gonna rip his beak off. I’m the best ever. I’m the most brutal and vicious, the most ruthless road crosser there has ever been. No one can stop me. Lennox is a road crosser? No! He’s no Colonel Sanders! I’m Colonel Sanders! I’m the best ever. I’m Big Bird. I’m Foghorn Leghorn. There’s never been anyone like me. I’m from their egg. There is no one who cross the road like me. My style is impetuous, my feathers are impregnable, and I’m just ferocious. I want his beak! I want to eat his chicks! Praise be to Allah!"
This is really good.
I’m firmly expecting Mr Miller to compile these at some point, and make a big ol’ list.
Kudos to all involved, these are really great witticisms :)
At my signal, unleash hell.
by Maximus Decimus Meridius on Nov 2, 2011 9:49 PM EDT up reply actions
Good idea. I'll give it it until tomorrow to see what else comes in.
Boxing writer: "Iran, what are you going to do when you retire?"
Iran Barkley: "Rob your house"
Timothy Bradley: I wanna thank God for letting the chicken cross that road. The road is tough, but God gave that chicken the power and strength to make it across.
Paul Williams: I don’t know much about chickens, nawatimsayin? I mean, like, that’s a chicken, and that’s a road, and that’s just what it do, nawatimsayin? And like, it did that, but I just didn’t see it comin, cuz I didnt prepare for a chicken being at the road, namean?
Ricardo Mayorga: F#ck that chicken! I fry that little bitch up good and eat it’s legs and breasts. What came first – the chicken or the egg? Don’t f#cking matter because they’re both big f#cking pussies. It makes an egg I’ll scramble that sh#t and smoke a cigar while the chicken cries like the little baby it is.
Dan Rafael: Yum!
Brandon Rios: Yeah, that chicken can come after me, but I’d beat the crap out of it because it looks all retarded and sh#t. It’s all like “duhduhduh” crossing the street and moving its head like a moron or summin. AYAYAYAYAYAAAAHH!!
Gus Williams: The chicken is making its way there. It’s toeing the line! OH MY GOODNESS WHAT A MAGNIFICENT SHOWING OF STRENGTH AND FORTITUDE! IT’S CROSSING ONE FOOT RIGHT AFTER ANOTHER!!!! I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER SEEN SUCH A SHOWING OF COURAGE IN MY LIFE!!!! This is just SPECTACULAR stuff folks!
Bad Left Hook - The SB Nation boxing blog
"Baseball is played on the field, not on a calculator."
by Brickhaus on Nov 2, 2011 10:34 PM EDT via mobile reply actions 1 recs
Dan Rafael: Yum!
ATTENTION FIGHT FREAKS! I laughed at this.
Bad Left Hook
"To the town of Agua Fria rode a stranger one fine day..."
by Scott Christ on Nov 2, 2011 10:42 PM EDT up reply actions
Victor Ortiz: You know what… let me tell you something. I said why the chicken crossed the road when I was nine years old. One day I said that that that chicken would be crossing that road that hadn’t even been built yet. And that day, I also said I was going to beat that chicken to the other side. I said this when I was nine years old! I didn’t just say this last week, a month a ago, three months ago, I said this when I was nine year old. Yeah, but at the end of the day I forget to look both ways.
by TheRooster1 on Nov 3, 2011 12:57 AM EDT reply actions 1 recs
Chad Dawson
I crossed the road just fine. It’s been there for 46 years, but what has it done. Moaned about being a road and all. I crossed it for once and all and… Hell no I ain’t crossing it again
Hilarious!
"Boxing is like dealing with a ho"
-Bernard Hopkins
Vivian Harris
What road? I don’t remember any road. There was a road?
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else--James Thurber, 1939
JAMES TONEY: Heyg ebba bobby! Lice House back. Dolng wubba hear abowb bidggo chidka ab sithuhs, get outub hih wib dap mess, man. Chiggigs ang robes ang shi, manb fup all dak noggub, just like Suggug Rape Robbobi, Muhubba Bali, Tomming Herr, math gih whoebber thi gibb. Chitkgums ant rogues, man fuh dak meth. That’s why his teeth are snaggle.
Bad Left Hook
"My God, kids today think that the laces are for tying up the gloves."
-- Fritzie Zivic
JOSE SULAIMAN: The WBC has decided to put the “Fluffy Feathers Belt” on the line if Chicken Little crosses this road. We are aware that this belt belongs to Big Bird, but since Big Bird has not crossed the road we wanted, and does not have too many fans, and is not mexican, we’ve decided to instead give him the “Bounce Softy Feather Belt”. In addition, we have also decided to create the “Super Duper Iron Feather Belt” for the next chicken that crosses the eliminator road, and are considering creating 3 more belts to make sure no chicken goes home without a belt, or paying a due.
by leo_solis on Nov 3, 2011 3:56 PM EDT reply actions 1 recs
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