As it looks as though a Mayweather-Khan match may be imminent, I thought I'd save everyone the trouble of the whole pointless media cycle. So below you will find all the necessary milestones for a fight like this, allowing us to bicker about every aspect of the upcoming match without having to wait for it to actually happen.
Before the match:
Andre Ward: I think you've got to go with Floyd Mayweather. Amir Khan's a young hungry lion, he's got the hand speed to give Floyd problems, but there's only really one other guy who's as good as me, and that's Floyd Mayweather. Now Amir might land a lucky punch, but I just don't see it. He's not got the right God on his side, you know?
Roger Mayweather: He's gonna get his ass whooped against my nephew. And he's a lightweight fucker. He ain't even a light welterweight. What's he walkin' around at? People think he's gonna come up and give Floyd problems, that what they say? I can't hear any of that. That motherfucker small. Floyd's gonna throw more punches, he gonna do what he gonna do to win.
Oscar de la Hoya: I gave Canelo the wrong blueprint I was high. But I've taken my fight with Floyd out of the archives and given it to Amir. He's got the hand speed, he's got the talent, he's going to win.
Richard Schaefer: Unfortunately, Oscar is back in rehab and unable to be with us on fight night. He thanks everyone for their understanding.
Bleacher Report: 30 Reasons Why This Time, Floyd Mayweather May Actually Lose
BLH staff: 6-1 Floyd Mayweather (Scott "Going With Mah Gut" Christ picks Amir Khan by early KO)
Billed as "NEED FOR SPEED", the Showtime All Access buildup intersperses bling shots of Floyd and his entourage with intense gym shots of people telling Floyd how good he is and Floyd telling people how good he is. On the other hand, Amir Khan talks about redemption and his fans in the UK, but oddly enough these fans are not actually seen in the All Access episodes, which only feature Amir shadowboxing in the gym, at home, and among his family members telling him how good he is.
The actual night itself sees a pretty decent turnout, as once again it is proven that there are indeed some people you can fool all of the time. The undercard is better than expected, possibly even with a knockout or two, and Twitter catches fire when the main event starts. Excitement flags slightly when Amir Khan is knocked down twice in the first round and again in the second, but picks up again when he does not get knocked down in the third round (Floyd fighting on autopilot, trying to remember if he left the gas on).
Khan is only slightly staggered in the fourth round, and in the fifth, actually manages to catch Floyd cleanly with a jab. Swelling with confidence, he comes out swinging at the start of the sixth, looking for the knockout, and is countered (again). Although he bravely gets up, Floyd looks to put him away quickly, and does so at the end of the ninth. Marcos Maidana and Danny Garcia glare at each other from ringside. At the time of the stoppage, two of the judges have Floyd ahead by a country mile, and the third has Canelo Alvarez up by a point.
After the match:
Bleacher Report: 30 Reasons Why Floyd Mayweather Is Still The Best
BLH: Mayweather Wins Again, Says Pacquiao May Be Next (by Scott "Stirring Shit Up" Christ)
BLH (two days later): Mayweather-Pacquiao NEVER GONNA
GIVE YOU UP HAPPEN (by Scott "Tellin' It Like It Is" Christ)
Oscar de la Hoya: I gave Amir the wrong blueprint I was high.