I think I've told this story before. But, it's so funny, I want to tell it again. It's NEW! IMPROVED!
Actually, it's not a whole story. What happened was Janet and I, with the kids. years and years ago, decided to go on a road trip. Since we were in Maine at time, and anywhere south sounded like heading to Missisippi (Misissippi? Missi'iuippii? Down there, where nobody in their right mind wants to go. This includes Texas) so we went north.
Canadian border guards are very nice and polite, They say "we love you. have a nice day, a mare usque ad mare," and something that says something like 'please remember me'. I'm not surprised at the begging part. It's CANADA!
Getting across was not hard. But, getting back was. Now, I have to remind you that we were all American citizens. Granted,Canadians are also, although what sets them apart is that they're polite. But there were some obstacles here, in the way of returning TO OUR OWN COUNTRY.
One obstacle was that we didn't have "papers.' I personally haven't known that I have to have "papers" since the last time I saw a movie about Nazi Germany or the Soviet Union (they're both dead now, you know. I think this is partly due to the fact that everyone had to have "papers." But I'm just speculating here. You can draw your own conclusions).
But there was another problem. And this dates back to WW II. And Janet's kids. And I don't mean by this that we're talking about two female Dondees (Janet's kids were girls). You remember Dondee? The only 9 year old in the 1950s and '60s who could remember World War II?
The problem is that Janet was from Utah. This would be a handicap in any attempt to get anywhere, especially if you're from Canada. But Janet's first husband was Japanese, also from Utah. How is this possible?
Well, bear with me, Janet's first husband's parents were Japanese, and met and got married in an internment camp.]
They had sex. I don't know how, and don't ask me. But, they had this guy. Years and years later, he married Janet, and they had two kids, both girls. They looked absolutely 100% Japanese. Janet and I looked nothing like them.
These girls, Jill and Amber (Janet didn't know when she picked the names that "Amber" is the screen name of 92.7% of porn queens), had some odd habits. For one, they needed a constant supply of Barbie dolls, because they liked to use them to re-enact scenes from the zombie "Dead" series. You know, "Night of the Living Dead," "Dawn of the ...", etc., and to do this they would rip the heads off the dolls while yelling "Brains! Brains!"
Another weird thing they would do is take off their clothes when they were bored. And by the time we found our way back to the Canadian-US border, they were plenty bored.
So, here we were, two very Caucasian-looking adults, trying to cross the border with no passports, with two nearly naked preadolescent Japanese girls surrounded by decapitated Barbie dolls yelling "Brains! Brains!" in the back of the car. On top of that, when the border guard asked me where I was from, I blurted out "New York" while showing him my driver's license that clearly said "Massachusetts."
Anyway, long story short, after pulling apart the trunk of the car, pulling up all the carpeting, and bringing the drug-sniffing dogs by to say hello, he let us through.
I forgot why I told you this story.
Oh, yes, Boxing in Canada. Janet didn't like boxing.