FanPost

MY XX YO GF (MY 20 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND)

I am a simple man.

I mention casually on the boards that my gf is 19 yo, now I say she is 20 because she is. Not as a way to brag or as any form of accomplishment or self worth but because I find this idea to be hilarious and thought that some might appreciate the sheer absurdity as I do. Life is so strange, getting stranger every day, complicated when unnecessary. Remarkably simple when the complexities grow to become unmanageable. I have a great deal of trouble remembering sometimes.

We noticed each other when she was 18, I was 30. Beautiful. stunning. full figured.

We didn't meet until she was 19, I was 31. We hit it off and dated quite often for 3-4 months until I earned official boyfriend status on a day that she was a bridesmaid at a family wedding.

I had met her immediate family before that time and met her very large extended family at reunions afterward. Everything was copacetic. I love them too.

I couldn't believe the gift I had been given and cherished my situation with every passing second. Understand that I shouldn't even be here. I should be in jail or dead right now because of terrible mistakes I have made. Every breath is a blessing and I try to remind myself as often as possible.

An angel was sent into my life by whatever deities that showed me mercy many times before, keeping me from incarceration or becoming compost. At the same time I really didn't take our relationship too seriously because I can see things objectively and didn't expect it to last. I just wanted to savor whatever it was I had for however long I would have it. We were faithful and grew close. Somewhere along the way we both fell in love. She verbalized this into my silence after 6 months or so, I continued to express my love only with actions. Eventually I caved around the 1 year mark. I was Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's sofa in front of a live studio audience.

I was afraid to say it aloud. I understand the weight those little words carry. I love you. When I was young I would fall in love with everything, anything, all day long. I would give love away and take love back and toss love around freely. One divorce and countless heartaches later I keep my love locked to myself but when I do offer it I do so unconditionally.

I love this girl and she continues to grow and experience life as most anyone her age would be expected to. She imagines endless possibilities, the future, the world. She sees all the social medias I am blind to. She wants to explore.

She breaks up with me. Something I had always anticipated but managed to completely forget about. She is confused and uncertain about what she wants in life. We talk and cry and I walk away on a very positive note and delete all her contact information, leaving the ball in her court. I don't want to bother her while she needs time alone or blow up her phone during an emotional state. I understand my own self destructive tendencies by now and take precautions to prevent them. She calls the next day in tears. She made a huge mistake and asks for forgiveness. We get back together. This happens again and then again in a very short time span. I always take her back without thinking too much of it. I can recall how irresponsible I was with my relationships when I was younger. I imagine how animated and energetic my reaction would be 12 years ago vs how mature my response is today. We were always faithful as far as I know and I trust her.

I deleted all her contact info again this week, somehow still managing to walk away on a positive note. She says she still loves me and I would be lying if I said I wasn't heartbroken. If she comes back I will not take her back, at least not immediately. I cannot continue like this indefinitely, my heart cannot take it; seriously, literally, physically, I will have a massive myocardial infarction. I still love her unconditionally and as much as I want to be there, I understand I cannot do anything useful and this is something she can only figure out on her own. Maybe in a month or 6 months I can consider it but right now I have to live my life like I will never see her again. I didn't want it to happen this way but it is my story nonetheless.

Today I am going out on a date for the first time with a new girl. The alternative was to continue to wallow in sadness, more pitiful and unkempt than a pig in shit. She is either 18 or 19 yo, I can't remember but I'll be sure to check her id like the last. Beautiful. stunning. full figured. Taller than the one before her and an inch taller than me.

I have been with women much older than I but when I was 19-20-21-22-23 most of the time it was damn near impossible for me to get laid or get a gf, encounters limited to smh one time stories. I had much more tools physically than I do now and my charisma was glowing but my mental makeup was weak then. I could attract them but didn't know what to do with a woman when I got one; a dog chasing cars. Plus I was too preoccupied juggling jobs, university, and living alone, rarely requiring to sleep in my car. Now girls of this age toss themselves into my lap like fish who jump into the boat. I assure you they don't want me for my money as I have none. People tell me that she is too young and I am too old and disparage us both. I tend to reply that I am living the american dream as should they and ask how old are the women they wank to on pornhub?

Another gift from another deity. I reckon that watching me is their ridiculous form of entertainment but nothing lasts forever i suppose. I feel like a shop worn gatekeeper pushing one last title shot run; Ishe Smith.

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